BHasha............

As I flipped through different shows and movies to watch on Netflix, I settled for an Indian series. The scene opened to an old Calcutta house, with a young lady feeding bananas to a monkey. Dolled up in a cotton saree, and white flowers in her neatly pleated hair. In next, her mother appeared calling her, “Hurry up Lalita! The boy must be here anytime. Get inside and be ready!”. 

Hearing her speak fluent English with a background set in the 1950s, I assumed they are being shown as an affluent family speaking English as a common converse at home. But then servants showed up gossiping and staggering at the prospective groom……in english. 

No, that can't be! That just ruins the feel and vibe of the scene! I vehemently searched for the language options and shifted to hindi audio! And then…. ‘Haan! Ab theek hai!”

Pheww! A series well saved! That's what the language does! 

Ab hindi me joke ka jo maza hai na…. Vo kisi or bhasha me kaha!

No! Dont judge me! Even CBSE agrees with me! Of course, language is a mode of communication, and it is a huge symbol of culture, identity, and beliefs! That’s why we prefer using terms like ikigai, kanban, pomodoro rather than calling it simply ‘quality management techniques’! The New Education policy advocates that imparting education in one’s mother tongue leads to better skill development, concept retention and confidence. UNESCO states that 40% of the population does not have access to education in their mother language, which leads to social inequalities and learning setbacks. I myself have delivered the same lecture thrice when I used to convert each spoken sentence in English for my own satisfaction into slower Hinglish for my struggling fellows and then Fringlish (French+English) for my African students! I have tried to bond in Punjabi, learned hysterical dialogues in Haryanvi, imitated some Bengali, and understood basic Gujarati. To mention, my clean textbook Hindi didn’t help me in understanding the native Hindi of my in-laws, a few words of which are still alien even after being over 15 years here. It's magical when I interrupt them to ask about the meaning of their words before even completing their sentences! Hehehehe!

I have always been judged to be a ‘Punjabi’ based on my looks - A tall slim frame in love with patiyalas (Indian salwar with huge flair). It was to the extent that once I requested one of my seniors in college to make one pencil sketch for me, he made ‘Waheguru ji’ for me! He had known me for a good 2 years. Language framed to eliminate the barriers, is it strengthening the barriers? Well that’s a debate we should have long grown out of! 

All this was still manageable, but the horror of my story is the recent languages I am engrossed with. R, python, SQL, … and whatnot?

Being a doctorate from the oldest and premier institute in the country, I didn't start my job with a well-established institute with a great salary package. People may have their doubts, for which I have never really cared my whole life. My focus was a balance between my family and profession. 

When I left my 8 months son with my in-laws to do an MBA at HBTI Kanpur, I was left with a meager weight of 40 kgs at a height of 5’6” and tonnes of guilt, which I have never been able to get out of even now. I try to suffice and make it even with my son even today, in every moment and in every thought of mine. I didn't want to do that again for the sake of a job. I don't know if I am smart enough, whether my decision has been correct or not, but I didn't want to die with the guilt of depriving my children first from their mom and then keeping them away from their Dad! So, I chose a smaller(degree of comparison to other fellow mates getting premier institutes with name, fame, money, ……almost all) job with a smaller salary! But then my inner self kept questioning me ‘What are you doing here? Have you lost it all?’ 

I know your own mindset and efforts make a huge difference, but you need equal opportunities to display what you are capable of! My enthusiasm was slowly converting into depression, and spending the evening with my family kept me going. 

Five years later, I called it quits…with no idea what I would do next. No plans, no institute nearby, nothing. Basically, I went to zero! During that time, my personal life also went through a lot of setbacks! Then, I stumbled upon an opportunity to join my alma mater again as a consultant to them! Like life had given me a second chance! I traveled to another city through local transport for 4 hours daily to satisfy ‘Kanupriya’ and keep my inner ‘Mom’ at peace. 

But I knew from the beginning that a day would come when enough would be enough! When I won't be able to commute daily! When my mother-in-law, who was taking care of the household, would also need care, rest, and freedom from responsibilities! That's when my quest for something more stable began! 

I have been good at programming since my school days! I could not leave my city, so I had to choose programming to find good remote opportunities! Ironically, teaching remotely is not very lucrative even today! I took several courses and skilled myself again at the age of 40 to remain relevant! I was juggling between SQL, R, Tableau, Python, ML, and its endless! 

I am still struggling, and don't know where life will take me, how many restart buttons I will push, and how many times I have to tell myself - ‘Keep going! It's just a matter of time!’ 

But this is what I am! I celebrate being myself every single day! I find solace in being honest with myself! My whole struggle seems to make sense when I look at my kids hugging their father and me at the same time, when they share meals, when my husband shields them from my scolding, when they learn to drive (and shave) from their father……slowly everything starts balancing out! Soon, my inner self would also feel the same as my outer self! Fingers crossed!